3-Foot-Tall Christmas Tree Really Completes Incredibly Depressing Apartment
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Noting that the sad little seasonal addition really seemed to “pull the place together,” local resident Jason Uhlir, 28, was reportedly pleased Tuesday by the way his newly purchased 3-foot-tall Christmas tree completed the unbelievably depressing look of his one-bedroom apartment. “I had this bleak, empty corner between my stained secondhand futon and the slanting bookshelf where I keep my six DVDs, so I thought it might be nice to put a misshapen, pathetically under-decorated Christmas tree there,” said Uhlir, noting how the shabby miniature pine with its two ornaments and single pitifully draped strand of colored lights really “tied together nicely” with the ratty, soiled towel he placed beneath the tree and the nearby blinking internet router and tangle of Ethernet cords in the middle of the floor. “I kind of had my own vibe going on in here with my completely blank, bare walls and oppressive fluorescent overhead lighting, so I didn’t know how a Christmas tree would look. But I have to say that this miserable little decoration and the pile of needles accumulating around it have really put the utterly dispiriting atmosphere of my apartment over the top.” Sources noted that Uhlir’s living room was only one embarrassing, shoddily wrapped Christmas present away from pulling off that hands-down, blow-your-brains-out wretched look.
Man Confidently Hits ‘Send’ On Worst Job Application Company Has Ever Seen
SAN FRANCISCO—After a quick yet confident once-over that unfortunately caught none of the rampant spelling errors, clunky prose, and overly casual language throughout his cover letter and résumé, job hopeful Mark Lopez hit “send” on the worst application California-based marketing firm Precision Intermedia has ever seen, sources confirmed Monday. “Okay, this looks ready to go,” Lopez said, seconds before sending an email that will inevitably be forwarded to an estimated 200 Precision Intermedia employees, all of whom will laugh heartily at his address to the wrong company, his claim of being “detail-orinted,” and the line “[INSERT EXTRACURRICULARS]” that he forgot to delete from the résumé template he used. “And…sent.” At press time, Precision Intermedia office manager Theresa Clark had announced to her colleagues that “this one’s going up on the bulletin board.”